The Realm of the Cheese Lord

What Does This Mean?

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 00:41:41 GMT

I know it has been a long time since I posted, but I saw a quiz on a friend's journal and was compelled to take it. Hear are the results:

Your Brain is 53% Female, 47% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female
You are both sensitive and savvy
Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed
But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

I'm not sure what this means. Is it wrong that, according to these quiz makers who shackle simple words and insensitive classifications to the vast intricacies of the human mind, I don't match my gender??

Showmanship

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 07:52:45 GMT

In a momentary lapse of introspection, I realized that I have no outstanding abilities or talents. Adequate intellect and an off balanced mind will rarely cause large crowds to gasp in amazement or dismay. Even a common skill, such as juggling, would send me sky rocketing on the popularity scale. We could start with standard juggling balls of course, but then slowly work our way up to the bizarre and fantastic. As cliche as they are, knives are absolutely out of the question. Something valuable; perhaps cell phones or other electronics. If that's not thrilling enough, we could try back packs and students. Anorexic students will be declined, as there will be little challenge in tossing their emaciated forms.

In any case, I believe it is time for me to procure a book on juggling....

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 06:05:49 GMT

Recently in my English class, we received an assignment that offered more potential for entertainment than others. We were instructed to write a how-to paper. Our activity was to have at least three steps, and the essay was to demonstrate evaluative writing, pointing out favorable techniques and highlight possible problems. Once we finished our essays we had to present it to the class, complete with props. Others in the class chose a variety of activities, including, but not limited to, how to bake a cake, how to ride a unicycle, how to restring a guitar, how to have a picnic, and how to procrastinate. I, myself decided to teach the class how to walk a dog. For your possible enjoyment, I place the completed essay here, chronicled forever in the Realm of the Cheese Lord:

How to Walk a Dog

The act of dog walking has a long and prestigious legacy, filled with the same harrowing excitement and wonder that marks the history of underwear production. So long as there have been dogs, there have been masters to walk them. Since the first cave man wrapped a vine around the first prehistoric poodle, dog walking has been an enjoyable and healthy exercise for both the dog and his walker. Since then, an infinite multitude of techniques and methods have been devised to walk our beloved pets. Some processes are better than others, however, so this guide shall seek to enlighten the ignorant walker.
The first and, most important, step to dog walking is to obtain a dog. Dogs may be purchased or stolen from some pet stores or breeders. The breed of the beast matters little, so long as the animal chosen is in fact a dog. If one possesses a cat, one cannot very well participate in the act of dog walking. To properly ascertain whether or not an animal in question is a dog, one should deliver a swift kick to the creature’s hindquarters. A barking noise accompanied by feral growling indicates a dog, while virulent hissing and possible scratching are probable signs of a feline.
Once the possession and species of the dog have been confirmed, the next step is to equip it with a collar. Most dogs have no concept what a collar is, and will not likely protest to wearing one unless you have told the dog that collars are havens for disease, or have beaten the poor beast senseless with a collar for several hours. Many collars fasten with a buckle, similar to those found on most belts. Simply wrap the collar around the dog’s neck, and lock it in place. Should the dog begin to gasp for air, loosen the collar immediately.
After the collar, the next piece of equipment necessary is the leash. A leash can be made of any long, rope-like material, though fishing line is generally too weak for anything stronger than a Chihuahua. Leashes may vary widely in length, thickness, texture, color, style, flexibility, and odor, so picking one is largely a matter of preference. Most leashes clip directly onto a dog’s collar, and feature a handy loop on the other end for the dog walker’s hand.
Once the dog is collared and leashed, the owner should select a route on which he and his dog will travel. The easiest path is simply around the block, though if one lives in an apartment building or on a deserted island, this can be difficult. The walker should be careful not to select a route that is too long for the dog to complete without becoming overly fatigued. Should this happen, the owner is obligated to carry the dog home. If the dog is a bullmastiff this is rarely enjoyable.
Having selected the ideal course, the walker should take up the leash and leave the abode. While walking the dog, one should try to keep pace with the animal, so as not to strangle it. To likewise avoid canine asphyxiation, avoid lifting the leash above the head. Even if there is a jet plane, or a fancy bird, do not point violently, as this may sweep the dog off its feet to hang in a rather morbid fashion. Take special care not to run after the dog, as this would no longer be considered dog walking.
One should also be sure to keep their dog off the grass of others, lest the canine decide to relieve itself upon another’s finely mowed lawn. Unless of course the lawn is under the ownership of a particularly nasty neighbor, in which case one might consider dawdling in front of their house just long enough to coax their companion into taking a bathroom break. In any case, it is generally considered courteous to remove all solid waste laid by the dog, no matter how unpleasant the task may be.
Once the pet has done his business, the owner may make a path straight back to the domicile. Once there, remove the leash and collar from the dog. Congratulations, you have now completed your first dog walk!
With these steps, even the most inexperienced of dog walking neophytes should be able to take their pets for a successful and pleasurable walk. Read carefully the advice contained here, and you too can start on the path to better dog walking!

I'm a psychic

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 02:30:45 GMT

Think of any geometric shape, like a square or something, and don't tell me what it is. Got it? Now I will use my cyber ESP to read your mind via email.

still reading....

Circle?
Ha! Aren't you amazed? Psionics are just a small bit of the immeasurable power possessed by the Cheese Lord.

OMG

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 08:20:21 GMT

I just saw this and absolutely had to post it here. Behold the majesty that is Space Duck, bookclubbers:

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/360049

Journalism

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 08:06:39 GMT

The Cheese Lord returns from a lengthy absence with a post of some import:
At our school, we are without a school newspaper. The teacher who taught the class took a vacation this year because she had to have some kind of leg surgery. After her departure, no other teacher had the backbone to seize the reins of the Wood Post. In response, The Reporter has organized a website for journalisitc enthusiasts to write. This temporary substitute for the paper is totally awesome and is already filled with a few articles. I myself am happy to be one of these writers. I post this announcement to encourage everyone to visit the site (give us hits!) and leave comments for the aspiring reporters. I have currently written two reviews for a video game blog. I realize this is insufferably nerdy, but I am prepared to live with that. The link is here:

http://blogcentral.thereporter.com/wood/

Briefing

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 07:47:14 GMT

The Orange Man-Eaters (OME) is a Top-Secret subsidiary of the Bureau of Fruit Infestigation (BFI). Their mission is "to protect and defend men and oranges against terrorist and foreign intelligence threats, to uphold and enforce criminal laws regarding both oranges and men, and to provide leadership and justice services to fruit bowls, grocery stores, and international agencies and partners."

To accomplish this mission, the OME has designed a list of priorities. Through these priorities, the OME has made the world both safer and more dangerous for men and oranges:
1. Protect men from oranges
2. Protect oranges from men
3. Protect oranges from cyber-based attacks and high-technology crimes committed by men
4. Protect the civil rights of oranges everywhere
4. Combat orange corruption in all levels of society
5. Develop high grade futuristic weaponry to accomplish the mission
6. Utilize cutting edge genetics technology to produce bio-weapons that will assist in the mission
7. Educate OME wanna-be's in the techniques of espionage, weapon usage, martial arts, ninjustu, spell casting, oragami, and potato peeling
8. Support the efforts of the Cheese Lord in any way, shape or form, regardless of how ludicrous his demands may be.
9. Bestow unto the world a fresh, citrus aroma; to soothe the senses and tickle the nostrils

The OME currently operates through its 400 offices, found throughout America, Canada, Britain, and Holland. OME agents are instantly recognized by their distinct "orangey aroma." But only when they want to be. When undercover, OME agents have been known to disguise their tell-tale odors with displeasing musks, including (but not limited to): wet dog, garbage juice, sweat, overheated electronic appliance, and moldy cheese. These odor maskers allow OME agents to move about hostile territory with the stealth required to accomplish their objectives.

Each OME office is managed by a Special Agent in Charge (SAC), except in particularly large offices. These are overseen by Assistant Directors in Charge (ADIC). ADICs are assisted by several SACs, who report to their superiors on all manner of topics.

Recent OME activities have included efforts to combine bears with dragons. Such a beast could easily whisk away a thousand oranges to safety with a single wing-beat. Or eat them. Not all the kinks have been worked out yet. So far, their labors have produced the Blizzagon, an ursine beast with a lizard's tail and bat-like wings. The creature is easily annoyed, and flaps its tiny wings with fury when agitated. The Dragobear was the next of the OME's products. This specimen possessed the head of a bear atop a long scaly neck, planted on a furry torso. Also irritable, the Drago bear spits a substance akin to cranberry sauce in its fits of rage. The final specimen, the Bearagon, is equipped with a reptilian head and an extraordinarily long tail. Behavioral patterns for the Bearagon have yet to be identified.

Poetry

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 09:59:19 GMT

I have at last applied the finishing touches to an irritating English assignment. Our ever-specific and rarely vague teacher commissioned us to write a poem about ourselves. An "I am from poem," drawing inspiration from Walt Whitman's "Song of Myself." Our poems were to use copious images to convey the deepest reaches of our souls. These introspective projects are irksome enough, even when the teacher doesn't require you to read them aloud in front of the class. My poor poem, a free-versed pile of shoddy rubbish, does not need to be unleashed upon the crowd. My composition was tossed together in a rush, and I fear it will take flight as a wet paper airplane among steel plated jet liners. Perhaps I shall sacrifice a few points to keep my deformed creation hidden away. I look forward to a return to analytical essays, as I think my mind is much more suited to the strictly regimented order their style demands. The chaotic world of symbolism and images found in poetry is too much for me. Give me structure, where commas are treated as necessary signposts, rather than arbitrary decoration, interspersed based on a poet's whim.

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 07:22:25 GMT

For my book clubbing compatriots who may not have experienced it, I present the Charlie thing:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=BFP0q4qzGw4

Is it amazing art or an annoying crack addict with animation talent? You be the judge.

Alas, O Sorrowful Solitude!

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 07:01:23 GMT

When I logged onto my LiveJournal this evening I made a tragic revelation: "There have been no recent posts by your friends." Those unfortunate words speak to the great length of time that has passed since any of my friends have visited LJ. It would seem the have all departed for the more populated grounds of LiveJournal...I wonder if it is finally time to acquire one of those blasted things for myself. Like so long ago, on the continent of Priston, the Cheese Lord has been abandoned. One can only slay rabies for so long before the isolation becomes unbearable. The dell is empty, and all the farmers have taken their wives, they their children, the kids their dogs, the dogs their cats, and the cats their mice, leaving the cheese to stand alone. Until a more decisive verdict is reached....

The Cheese Lord shall remain (on LJ)

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 07:50:51 GMT

As I toil away on an assignment that should have been done days ago, I realize something peculiar: It's been at least three full days since I enjoyed any unadulterated mind-numbing electronic entertainment. A combination of school work and extracurricular events have drawn me away from that geeky haven in which I once ensconced myself. Though each of the events, activities, and jobs that that entrench me have been increasingly delightful, I cannot help but realize that my characters' levels stagnate whilst I am occupied with other ventures. Though the weight of those fantasy worlds has never rivaled that of reality, their hallowed halls of illusion and wonder are not easily abandoned. Can this be the end of an epoch for The Cheese Lord? Will his consoles gather dust as school and social life continue to gather more of the limited sands of his time? Such events can only be considered healthy, as the lolling about on the couch only ever challenged the mind rarely and the fingers quite often. However, it is with a melancholy heart that the Cheese Lord notes the increasing absence from his beloved fantasy worlds. Looking at it from a practical point of view, all twelve Fantasies shall remain faithful and patient on the living room shelf; while good company can be fleeting and must be enjoyed and maintained often.

And now I must return to an article whose deadline looms ever nearer....

Nanowrimo

Sat, 04 Nov 2006 03:05:40 GMT

The Cheese Lord has joined the Nanowrimo guild as well! The Cheese Lord hopes to carve an intriguing tale from the chunky sculpting material that is imagination. His royal Cheese has signed himself in as Cheeselord, for a more fitting name never existed. I hope to read the stories of others as well.
The Cheese Lord shall write...

Quiz is to Quizical as Test is to...

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 06:07:00 GMT

Harry Potter Trivia Tournament Tomorrow! The Cheese Lord is here, encouraging all his royal vassals to attend. You know who you are, my cheesey subordinates...There will be costumes, trivia and possibly sweets! Tooth-rotting sweets! I know you'd rather stay home and gnaw on a hunk of cheese, but this is one time the Cheese Lord will advocate something else! Currently the Cheese Lord is contemplating the finer details of a Mad-Eye Moody costume. Peg legs are rather irksome however...He did have a peg leg, right? Please tell the Cheese Lord, before he makes a complete imbecile of himself...

The Product of Boring Class

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 06:29:22 GMT

In Art class we have been assigned a very interesting project. We were charged with the task of organizing a museum exhibit. Acting as curators, we are to locate art pieces, design a floor plan, presentation, buisness logo, and advertising pamphlet. To allow us research time, our good-intentioned teacher brought the class to the school library for several days, allowing us full access to the computers. As the rest of the class tried vainly to bypass surf control and access email, I worked on the project with my group. Finishing with surplus time, my mind rotted as a whiled away the minutes with minesweeper. When I got sick of my group mate's gloating about his 17-second record over my 65, I decided to write. The theme of our art exhibit is Ancient Egyptian Art, so I was full of inspiration. If you would like to read, I bestow unto you a tagline for our museum, along with an absolutely true history of the Egyptians.

----------Addisonian Museum of Awesome Egyptian Art----------

Come visit the Addisonian Museum of Awesome Egyptian Art. Prepare to have your socks blown off by our breathtaking hieroglyphics and statues. The sheer majesty of the architectural exhibits may cause your brain to liquefy, so we advise that you purchase one of our anti-degradation helmets before viewing some exhibits. Commentary tapes will be distributed at designated kiosks, so that you won’t be staring stupidly at statues, drooling on the floor. You’ll be staring stupidly at statues, drooling on the floor, with educated commentary in your ear! Special contact lenses will be necessary to be able to fully comprehend the full-blown glory of Ancient Egypt.

The ancient Egyptians were an amazingly advanced race for their time. From the giant Sphinx at Giza, to the obelisks of Thutmose I at Karnak, to the mighty pyramids, their architectural achievements will bedazzle people of all ages, possibly causing temporary loss of bladder control.

It is primarily believed the Egyptians used a primitive form of the power saw to carve the blocks for the pyramids. These saws were created by removing beavers from the natural habitat in the waters of the Nile, stitching handles to their sides, and cudgeling them over the head until their began to gnaw furiously. The laborers would beat their beavers into a mad fervor, whereupon they would cut the stone with rapidly moving buck teeth like a jackhammer.

The massive sphinx is said to be an effigy of the Egyptians’ 17th ruler, King Sphinxington. He was a god-man said to be born from a union between Joeytepothet, god of cross-species relationships, and Alicertiti, Goddess of tyrannical rulers. The resulting offspring immediately assumed the throne, crushing any opposition with his laser eye beams and acid breath. The sphinx was coated in mythril chain mail+2, which gave it such a massive boost to its armor class that none could penetrate its skin. It was eventually slain by Chuck Norris, who blew fire on a pile of desert sand, turning it into glass, which he used to stab the beast’s eyes out.

The impressive obelisks were designed to be weapons of warfare by the Egyptians. They were originally mounted with reflector panels and constructed throughout the massive kingdom. When the reflectors were rotated properly, the focus light into a giant orb placed atop the king’s palace. From there, the Pharaoh could fire the light like a beam, carving surrounding lands with a deadly beam of fiery destruction. It is believed that this is how the Egyptians applied the finer details to their myriad statues and sculptures.

The ancient Egyptians were a highly religious people, with an ever changing and expanding pantheon of innumerable gods and goddesses. Disataten, god of disco music and dance, is credited with the advent of the disco ball and dancing. He met his end at the hands of Gbuthet, Goddess of the slow dance. Ra, god of the sun, was by far the most revered of all Egyptian gods. He had the head of a falcon, and wore a massive pimp hat, a symbol of his dominance over all the other gods.

We also have a large display of Ancient Egyptian weapons of warfare. This extensive exhibit includes ancient spears, shields, swords, bows and arrows, maces, flails, pistols, cannons, bazookas, plasma rifles, AK-47s, fragmentation grenades, and pogo sticks. Each of these deadly weapons was invented by the Egyptians to be used against their many enemies. Primary among them were the Romans, who enlisted the help of giant monkeys to crush the Egyptians. Eventually subjugated by the Romans, Egypt maintained its way of life until 1700, when a man by the name of Phil invented the atom bomb, and used it to destroy the Nile River Delta. Without a steady supply of water, Egyptian society degraded until the Pharaoh decided to construct a massive slingshot and fire his people into space. Since then, no one has seen the Ancient Egyptians.

In conclusion, visit our museum for brain liquefying fun!

Note: The Addisonian Museum is not responsible for any injury, discomfort or death you may experience while attending the exhibit. Please do not stare directly into the art; they can cause amazement to well up behind the eyes, causing them to pop out of the head. Some people’s legs have been known to turn to jelly while in the museum. Please buy crutches, as we already have an ant problem. We don't need extra jelly all over the place. All rights reserved. Copyright 3000 B.C.

Are You a Weasel?

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 00:25:01 GMT

I have discovered the immense potential of the TI-84 Plus Silver Edition Calculator. A device of endless possibilities, I can now entertain myself for hours on end under the guise of "math." The Art teacher never notices that the seemingly harmless box of circuits harbors vast stores of entertainment and goodies. Your math teachers wouldn't like you to know about that, would they? Short quizes with simple answers, the quadratic formula in the blink of an eye, sequential numbers in a ceaseless stream, AREA UNDER A CURVE! Ye god, the power!!!! Not to mention the insurmountable joy that can be attained through prolonged exposure to the engrossing realm of Block Dude. IT EVEN HAS SIG. FIGS! It does everything from graphing to the dishes, balances your checkbook and walks the dog. Is there anything it can't do?

No that I've boosted Texas Instruments sales by 1.2%, I must get back to devising the Weasel Program V2.1

Avast!

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 05:52:38 GMT

I do hope that ye all enjoyed a most festive day o' pirate jargon. I encarage ye ta continue to maintain a high standard o' piratey behaviour. Lingo be just tha beginin. If ye graduate ta pillagin' and lootin', all o' us har at Pirate Headquartars will smile on ye! Farst we introdarse a piratey cereal, then we infect all levels o' society and sivilization with it. The spirits o' all of tha warld's famos pirates smile down on us: Blackbeard, Francis Drake, Anne Bonny, Marry Read, and, if ye be willin' to stretch the line o' truth jes a wee bit, Jack Sparrow. YAHAR!!!

Ahoy!

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 22:42:25 GMT

Tomorrow is the day! Happy Badger Day (observed)! Busy schedules mandate a low-key celebration, so the fireworks you were all so looking forward to had to be cancelled. Sorry guys, it make me sad too.

In other news, Talk Like a Pirate do be on Sept. 19th!

Hark the Herald Badger Sings!

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 06:20:24 GMT

I would like everyone to know that this coming saturday is that most hallowed of all days. That day of such indescribable jubilation and ecstasy that those of weak constitution have been known to combust in an explosion of goopy euphoria. Yes, that's right ladies and gents, Happy Badger Day is this saturday. As it falls on a weekend this year, it shall be formally observed this coming Friday. All banks run by badgers will close and the postal service (which relies heavily on badger powered trucks) will grind to a halt. The entire state of Wisconsin will close to set off 3 million fireworks simultaneously. Traditional badger masks will be distributed at all official booths. The real question is, what are YOU doing to celebrate?

Looking over past entries, I have discovered a surplus of idiotic ramblings and random exclamations. I like to think that I have begun to focus these ramblings into a more precise form of lunacy. After all, the Cheese Lord would not wish to seem....cheesy.

Empire Falls

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 01:12:41 GMT

Tonight the vicious conquistador Hernando Cortez returns to the lush shores of Mexico. Untamed and wild, a land of novelty, riches and adventure. The greedy spaniard will try to topple the mighty empire of the Aztecs, but they shall not fall easily. The thousands of natives will wage a war of tactics and carnage, to beat back the white scourge. The eagle warriors will outdistance the European horses, and be granted heightened mobility due to the ubiquitous foliage. From the trees we will strike, battling against the 600 men who will taint the lands with innocent blood and foreign pestilence. They will enslave our people, take our women and burn our temples. Our blood enemies will join the defilers of nature to aid in our destruction. Their vile weapons of smoke and poison put our honorable spears and bows to shame. Indeed, the Spanish will have their victory, but not without a gruesome struggle!

Sat, 05 Aug 2006 06:48:43 GMT

I once wrote a poem about toasters, but I seemd to have misplaced it. It was to be sung to the tune of the Frosted Flakes jingle. What a pity...

Fri, 04 Aug 2006 08:27:03 GMT

Our dearest and most beloved summer has long passed its zenith and has begun the downward spiral before school. The days are no longer left carefree, for the ominous monster of school looms at the corner of each student's mind, as if to remind them not to enjoy anything too much. The dreaded memory sits on his haunches in the darkest corner of the mind, making spooky noises, and possibly extending a loathsome tentacle of painful revelation to jolt the unfortunate adolescent into a cold sweat. Retail stores welcome school with open arms, seizing an opportunity to profit from the students' misery as they purchase the tools of their own indenturement.School doth approach! Barricade thyself, lest you be swept into an unending torrent of work and stress.

With my magical Chainmail Armor+1 and my Helmet of Sharpened Perception, I may just be ready to return to school.

Sat, 29 Jul 2006 06:42:27 GMT

The only thing I have to report is that there is nothing to report. Except that tidbit of information. Did you get it? Just there? Ok, good.

Holy Crap!

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 19:28:42 GMT

I saw a guy with a Naruto headband at summer school! Is that really cool or really geeky?

That is all....

They Read H.P. Too!

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 02:25:54 GMT

I just saw Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest yesterday. Pretty good movie, little long. All in all, I liked the first one better. My point, however is, Davey Jones...Holy cow! Cthulhu! The spitting image. He just needs to lose the crab claw and grow some wings. Maybe they're related....After all, the Cthulhu spawn from distant space had to number enough to challenge the Old Ones.

I also saw Click, which was really good. Think It's a Wonderful Life, but modernized and with lots of sex humor. A greater dichotomy of juvenile comedy and melancholy drama I have yet to behold.

In other news, I feel partially obligated to sing the praises of Matcha green tea. Anyone who has not experienced its pungent flavor and potent after-effects has not truly lived. Add one scoop of Match to OJ or Soy Milk, chug, and be instantly energized. Prepare to shake uncontrollably with the pent up energy supplied by that emerald wonder herb. Don't stray too far from a bathroom, however, as Match can easily by equated to our most powerful laxatives. Pure intestinal lubricant, to put it nicely. Enjoy it...AND BE OVERWHELMED!

Update!

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 03:54:46 GMT

It's been a little while since the great Cheese Lord posted. His dairy based eminence was distracted by the unbridled ecstasy that coincides with his release from that dreaded dungeon of tedium and labor we call school. Unfortunately the loathsome grip of oppression extends itself into my summer: I must attend summer school for lost P.E. credits. Two hours of insipid and mindless activity, an idiotic realm in which the brain is summoned from a dusty slumber only for basic motion and bodily functions.

In other news, the Cheese Lord bemoans his absence at the most recent book club. The call of duty spoke for him, and his presence was needed at the local Jamba Juice. He shall endeavor to eliminate such heinous scheduling conflicts in the weeks that follow. Until next time, the Cheese Lord shall leave his loyal vassals with a wonderful flash animation about that cheery character, your friend and mine, Cthulhu.

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/81337