| What Does This Mean? |
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| 05:38pm 17/07/2007 |
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I know it has been a long time since I posted, but I saw a quiz on a friend's journal and was compelled to take it. Hear are the results:
| Your Brain is 53% Female, 47% Male | 
Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female
You are both sensitive and savvy
Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed
But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve |
I'm not sure what this means. Is it wrong that, according to these quiz makers who shackle simple words and insensitive classifications to the vast intricacies of the human mind, I don't match my gender?? |
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| Showmanship |
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| 12:52am 29/03/2007 |
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In a momentary lapse of introspection, I realized that I have no outstanding abilities or talents. Adequate intellect and an off balanced mind will rarely cause large crowds to gasp in amazement or dismay. Even a common skill, such as juggling, would send me sky rocketing on the popularity scale. We could start with standard juggling balls of course, but then slowly work our way up to the bizarre and fantastic. As cliche as they are, knives are absolutely out of the question. Something valuable; perhaps cell phones or other electronics. If that's not thrilling enough, we could try back packs and students. Anorexic students will be declined, as there will be little challenge in tossing their emaciated forms.
In any case, I believe it is time for me to procure a book on juggling.... |
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| 10:59pm 11/03/2007 |
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Recently in my English class, we received an assignment that offered more potential for entertainment than others. We were instructed to write a how-to paper. Our activity was to have at least three steps, and the essay was to demonstrate evaluative writing, pointing out favorable techniques and highlight possible problems. Once we finished our essays we had to present it to the class, complete with props. Others in the class chose a variety of activities, including, but not limited to, how to bake a cake, how to ride a unicycle, how to restring a guitar, how to have a picnic, and how to procrastinate. I, myself decided to teach the class how to walk a dog. For your possible enjoyment, I place the completed essay here, chronicled forever in the Realm of the Cheese Lord:
How to Walk a Dog
The act of dog walking has a long and prestigious legacy, filled with the same harrowing excitement and wonder that marks the history of underwear production. So long as there have been dogs, there have been masters to walk them. Since the first cave man wrapped a vine around the first prehistoric poodle, dog walking has been an enjoyable and healthy exercise for both the dog and his walker. Since then, an infinite multitude of techniques and methods have been devised to walk our beloved pets. Some processes are better than others, however, so this guide shall seek to enlighten the ignorant walker.
The first and, most important, step to dog walking is to obtain a dog. Dogs may be purchased or stolen from some pet stores or breeders. The breed of the beast matters little, so long as the animal chosen is in fact a dog. If one possesses a cat, one cannot very well participate in the act of dog walking. To properly ascertain whether or not an animal in question is a dog, one should deliver a swift kick to the creature’s hindquarters. A barking noise accompanied by feral growling indicates a dog, while virulent hissing and possible scratching are probable signs of a feline.
Once the possession and species of the dog have been confirmed, the next step is to equip it with a collar. Most dogs have no concept what a collar is, and will not likely protest to wearing one unless you have told the dog that collars are havens for disease, or have beaten the poor beast senseless with a collar for several hours. Many collars fasten with a buckle, similar to those found on most belts. Simply wrap the collar around the dog’s neck, and lock it in place. Should the dog begin to gasp for air, loosen the collar immediately.
After the collar, the next piece of equipment necessary is the leash. A leash can be made of any long, rope-like material, though fishing line is generally too weak for anything stronger than a Chihuahua. Leashes may vary widely in length, thickness, texture, color, style, flexibility, and odor, so picking one is largely a matter of preference. Most leashes clip directly onto a dog’s collar, and feature a handy loop on the other end for the dog walker’s hand.
Once the dog is collared and leashed, the owner should select a route on which he and his dog will travel. The easiest path is simply around the block, though if one lives in an apartment building or on a deserted island, this can be difficult. The walker should be careful not to select a route that is too long for the dog to complete without becoming overly fatigued. Should this happen, the owner is obligated to carry the dog home. If the dog is a bullmastiff this is rarely enjoyable.
Having selected the ideal course, the walker should take up the leash and leave the abode. While walking the dog, one should try to keep pace with the animal, so as not to strangle it. To likewise avoid canine asphyxiation, avoid lifting the leash above the head. Even if there is a jet plane, or a fancy bird, do not point violently, as this may sweep the dog off its feet to hang in a rather morbid fashion. Take special care not to run after the dog, as this would no longer be considered dog walking.
One should also be sure to keep their dog off the grass of others, lest the canine decide to relieve itself upon another’s finely mowed lawn. Unless of course the lawn is under the ownership of a particularly nasty neighbor, in which case one might consider dawdling in front of their house just long enough to coax their companion into taking a bathroom break. In any case, it is generally considered courteous to remove all solid waste laid by the dog, no matter how unpleasant the task may be.
Once the pet has done his business, the owner may make a path straight back to the domicile. Once there, remove the leash and collar from the dog. Congratulations, you have now completed your first dog walk!
With these steps, even the most inexperienced of dog walking neophytes should be able to take their pets for a successful and pleasurable walk. Read carefully the advice contained here, and you too can start on the path to better dog walking! |
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| I'm a psychic |
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| 06:23pm 15/02/2007 |
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Think of any geometric shape, like a square or something, and don't tell me what it is. Got it? Now I will use my cyber ESP to read your mind via email.
still reading....
Circle?
Ha! Aren't you amazed? Psionics are just a small bit of the immeasurable power possessed by the Cheese Lord. |
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| Journalism |
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| 01:06am 25/01/2007 |
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The Cheese Lord returns from a lengthy absence with a post of some import:
At our school, we are without a school newspaper. The teacher who taught the class took a vacation this year because she had to have some kind of leg surgery. After her departure, no other teacher had the backbone to seize the reins of the Wood Post. In response, The Reporter has organized a website for journalisitc enthusiasts to write. This temporary substitute for the paper is totally awesome and is already filled with a few articles. I myself am happy to be one of these writers. I post this announcement to encourage everyone to visit the site (give us hits!) and leave comments for the aspiring reporters. I have currently written two reviews for a video game blog. I realize this is insufferably nerdy, but I am prepared to live with that. The link is here:
http://blogcentral.thereporter.com/wood/ |
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| Briefing |
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| 12:47am 19/12/2006 |
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mood:  creative
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The Orange Man-Eaters (OME) is a Top-Secret subsidiary of the Bureau of Fruit Infestigation (BFI). Their mission is "to protect and defend men and oranges against terrorist and foreign intelligence threats, to uphold and enforce criminal laws regarding both oranges and men, and to provide leadership and justice services to fruit bowls, grocery stores, and international agencies and partners."
( Learn more about the OME and its mission ) |
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| Poetry |
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| 02:59am 18/12/2006 |
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I have at last applied the finishing touches to an irritating English assignment. Our ever-specific and rarely vague teacher commissioned us to write a poem about ourselves. An "I am from poem," drawing inspiration from Walt Whitman's "Song of Myself." Our poems were to use copious images to convey the deepest reaches of our souls. These introspective projects are irksome enough, even when the teacher doesn't require you to read them aloud in front of the class. My poor poem, a free-versed pile of shoddy rubbish, does not need to be unleashed upon the crowd. My composition was tossed together in a rush, and I fear it will take flight as a wet paper airplane among steel plated jet liners. Perhaps I shall sacrifice a few points to keep my deformed creation hidden away. I look forward to a return to analytical essays, as I think my mind is much more suited to the strictly regimented order their style demands. The chaotic world of symbolism and images found in poetry is too much for me. Give me structure, where commas are treated as necessary signposts, rather than arbitrary decoration, interspersed based on a poet's whim. |
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| 12:22am 15/12/2006 |
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For my book clubbing compatriots who may not have experienced it, I present the Charlie thing:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=BFP0q4qzGw4
Is it amazing art or an annoying crack addict with animation talent? You be the judge. |
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| Alas, O Sorrowful Solitude! |
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| 12:01am 11/12/2006 |
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mood:  lonely
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When I logged onto my LiveJournal this evening I made a tragic revelation: "There have been no recent posts by your friends." Those unfortunate words speak to the great length of time that has passed since any of my friends have visited LJ. It would seem the have all departed for the more populated grounds of LiveJournal...I wonder if it is finally time to acquire one of those blasted things for myself. Like so long ago, on the continent of Priston, the Cheese Lord has been abandoned. One can only slay rabies for so long before the isolation becomes unbearable. The dell is empty, and all the farmers have taken their wives, they their children, the kids their dogs, the dogs their cats, and the cats their mice, leaving the cheese to stand alone. Until a more decisive verdict is reached....
The Cheese Lord shall remain (on LJ) |
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| 12:50am 05/12/2006 |
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mood: torn
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As I toil away on an assignment that should have been done days ago, I realize something peculiar: It's been at least three full days since I enjoyed any unadulterated mind-numbing electronic entertainment. A combination of school work and extracurricular events have drawn me away from that geeky haven in which I once ensconced myself. Though each of the events, activities, and jobs that that entrench me have been increasingly delightful, I cannot help but realize that my characters' levels stagnate whilst I am occupied with other ventures. Though the weight of those fantasy worlds has never rivaled that of reality, their hallowed halls of illusion and wonder are not easily abandoned. Can this be the end of an epoch for The Cheese Lord? Will his consoles gather dust as school and social life continue to gather more of the limited sands of his time? Such events can only be considered healthy, as the lolling about on the couch only ever challenged the mind rarely and the fingers quite often. However, it is with a melancholy heart that the Cheese Lord notes the increasing absence from his beloved fantasy worlds. Looking at it from a practical point of view, all twelve Fantasies shall remain faithful and patient on the living room shelf; while good company can be fleeting and must be enjoyed and maintained often.
And now I must return to an article whose deadline looms ever nearer.... |
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| Nanowrimo |
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| 08:05pm 03/11/2006 |
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The Cheese Lord has joined the Nanowrimo guild as well! The Cheese Lord hopes to carve an intriguing tale from the chunky sculpting material that is imagination. His royal Cheese has signed himself in as Cheeselord, for a more fitting name never existed. I hope to read the stories of others as well.
The Cheese Lord shall write... |
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| Quiz is to Quizical as Test is to... |
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| 11:03pm 25/10/2006 |
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Harry Potter Trivia Tournament Tomorrow! The Cheese Lord is here, encouraging all his royal vassals to attend. You know who you are, my cheesey subordinates...There will be costumes, trivia and possibly sweets! Tooth-rotting sweets! I know you'd rather stay home and gnaw on a hunk of cheese, but this is one time the Cheese Lord will advocate something else! Currently the Cheese Lord is contemplating the finer details of a Mad-Eye Moody costume. Peg legs are rather irksome however...He did have a peg leg, right? Please tell the Cheese Lord, before he makes a complete imbecile of himself... |
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| The Product of Boring Class |
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| 11:22pm 19/10/2006 |
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In Art class we have been assigned a very interesting project. We were charged with the task of organizing a museum exhibit. Acting as curators, we are to locate art pieces, design a floor plan, presentation, buisness logo, and advertising pamphlet. To allow us research time, our good-intentioned teacher brought the class to the school library for several days, allowing us full access to the computers. As the rest of the class tried vainly to bypass surf control and access email, I worked on the project with my group. Finishing with surplus time, my mind rotted as a whiled away the minutes with minesweeper. When I got sick of my group mate's gloating about his 17-second record over my 65, I decided to write. The theme of our art exhibit is Ancient Egyptian Art, so I was full of inspiration. If you would like to read, I bestow unto you a tagline for our museum, along with an absolutely true history of the Egyptians.
( Every_word_rings_true ) |
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| Are You a Weasel? |
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| 05:25pm 02/10/2006 |
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I have discovered the immense potential of the TI-84 Plus Silver Edition Calculator. A device of endless possibilities, I can now entertain myself for hours on end under the guise of "math." The Art teacher never notices that the seemingly harmless box of circuits harbors vast stores of entertainment and goodies. Your math teachers wouldn't like you to know about that, would they? Short quizes with simple answers, the quadratic formula in the blink of an eye, sequential numbers in a ceaseless stream, AREA UNDER A CURVE! Ye god, the power!!!! Not to mention the insurmountable joy that can be attained through prolonged exposure to the engrossing realm of Block Dude. IT EVEN HAS SIG. FIGS! It does everything from graphing to the dishes, balances your checkbook and walks the dog. Is there anything it can't do?
No that I've boosted Texas Instruments sales by 1.2%, I must get back to devising the Weasel Program V2.1 |
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| Avast! |
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| 10:47pm 19/09/2006 |
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I do hope that ye all enjoyed a most festive day o' pirate jargon. I encarage ye ta continue to maintain a high standard o' piratey behaviour. Lingo be just tha beginin. If ye graduate ta pillagin' and lootin', all o' us har at Pirate Headquartars will smile on ye! Farst we introdarse a piratey cereal, then we infect all levels o' society and sivilization with it. The spirits o' all of tha warld's famos pirates smile down on us: Blackbeard, Francis Drake, Anne Bonny, Marry Read, and, if ye be willin' to stretch the line o' truth jes a wee bit, Jack Sparrow. YAHAR!!! |
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| Ahoy! |
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| 03:40pm 14/09/2006 |
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Tomorrow is the day! Happy Badger Day (observed)! Busy schedules mandate a low-key celebration, so the fireworks you were all so looking forward to had to be cancelled. Sorry guys, it make me sad too.
In other news, Talk Like a Pirate do be on Sept. 19th! |
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| Hark the Herald Badger Sings! |
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| 11:10pm 10/09/2006 |
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I would like everyone to know that this coming saturday is that most hallowed of all days. That day of such indescribable jubilation and ecstasy that those of weak constitution have been known to combust in an explosion of goopy euphoria. Yes, that's right ladies and gents, Happy Badger Day is this saturday. As it falls on a weekend this year, it shall be formally observed this coming Friday. All banks run by badgers will close and the postal service (which relies heavily on badger powered trucks) will grind to a halt. The entire state of Wisconsin will close to set off 3 million fireworks simultaneously. Traditional badger masks will be distributed at all official booths. The real question is, what are YOU doing to celebrate?
Looking over past entries, I have discovered a surplus of idiotic ramblings and random exclamations. I like to think that I have begun to focus these ramblings into a more precise form of lunacy. After all, the Cheese Lord would not wish to seem....cheesy.
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| Empire Falls |
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| 06:12pm 07/09/2006 |
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Tonight the vicious conquistador Hernando Cortez returns to the lush shores of Mexico. Untamed and wild, a land of novelty, riches and adventure. The greedy spaniard will try to topple the mighty empire of the Aztecs, but they shall not fall easily. The thousands of natives will wage a war of tactics and carnage, to beat back the white scourge. The eagle warriors will outdistance the European horses, and be granted heightened mobility due to the ubiquitous foliage. From the trees we will strike, battling against the 600 men who will taint the lands with innocent blood and foreign pestilence. They will enslave our people, take our women and burn our temples. Our blood enemies will join the defilers of nature to aid in our destruction. Their vile weapons of smoke and poison put our honorable spears and bows to shame. Indeed, the Spanish will have their victory, but not without a gruesome struggle! |
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| 11:47pm 04/08/2006 |
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mood:  sad
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I once wrote a poem about toasters, but I seemd to have misplaced it. It was to be sung to the tune of the Frosted Flakes jingle. What a pity... |
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cheeselord's journal